The Jounernal and Life of a American Otaku.

neo_otaku_tai @ 2006-01-02T19:28:00

2006-01-03T04:05:54Z

Its been awhile hasn't it folks? how is everyone doing? well its the end of our pleasant vacation and holiday season. and a long and very awkward vacation it has been. i spent some time with my friends, but once again, i'm taken up but chronic loneliness and depression. *haha, silly tai-kun cant let go of shit* yeah... thats me sadly. heh, and for the clichecliche feeling ---> "No one wants to be alone on christmas" and even if i was surrounded by loving family and friends... i'm alone inside... its really just as simple as that. i'm just a lonely little otaku freak inside, despite all i have. HAHAHA, what a simple thing that can cause such pain inside, love is. when we get right down to it, inst that pretty much it? we wish to love others, and in turn be loved by others. but i take it too a extreme. i need to have it ALL THE FREAKEN TIME, other wise i feel small, and i just fade away.

lets look at new years shall we? i was out with sharna and a few a friend of hers, who was a very cute young lady, and she gave me a attention, and thought i was quiet the cute one. ((never been called cute before)) and we get to the street mall, and her Boy friend shows up, and sharna and her friend get totally into him. no, it was bad enough that the attention went totally off of me... but that their a couple, and im allergic to couples ((a petty spite of other peoples happiness while he's suffering)) *rolls eyes* and so i fadded away...while then went inside a fast food place for diner... i waited outside and just took a hard look at myself, disusted and ashamed at what i saw. a small, petty man who's insecurities rule over all his actions. and ya know... its because i expect more to all of this... perhaps real happiness is infront of me, and its smaller then i hoped for... that if i would just conform and say, this is all their ever is gonna be, and give up.

and for the record, i don't blame any of you for my emotional problems. for not giving me attention, or for not "loving me" they way i want to be loved... i'm a very insecure person, and you can only do so much to console me... your good people to me.... and i thank you with all my heart for it... i'm just greedy and needy... and its all my fault for letting it come to this. and also for the record, those who are reading this and saying "oh god, tai's going emo on us again, and complaining to us about his stupid, petty problems" i say what am i suppose to do..? its proven that if we donut vent... then we just accumulate so much bitterness and hatred, that well do something drastic and ill rational... in real life, i don't talk so much about this to anyone... i don't bleed my heart in the real world for many people when we talk... *sigh* I know i'm to young to worry about all of this... about not getting a girl, and being lonely... that i have my whole life in front of me, and that love inst as great as i make it out to be... but if i don't have that belief... then what am i? my entire spiritual and philosophical system is based on the idea... that love, true love conquers all opposition to it. that it is the great savor... and if i don't have that... i might as well quit everything. and yes i know this is all EMO....

one last thing... when i was talking to sharna friend, she told me that i was a perfect gentleman, that i was a proper, funny, rather nice person... and because of that i well not get a date, because i don't look "cool" i'm the person that well no girl wants to date... but eventually every girl well want to marry. i don't know if its true or not, so i'm gonna open it up to you guys to give me your opinions whether that statement is true or not... for the mean while i'm just gonna get ready for school tomorrow, and burrow all of this bitter feelings for next time... good night everyone....

well, lets see what the results on this one is...

2005-11-18T07:24:12Z

Your dating personality profile:

Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.
Romantic - You know exactly how to melt your date's heart. Romance comes naturally to you and is an important component of any relationship you have.
Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.

Your date match profile:

Liberal - You need a person who has liberal opinions and beliefs. You are engaged by political discussions and would find a liberal viewpoint refreshing in a date.
Romantic - You need someone with a traditional understanding of romance. A true romantic is a must-have in any potential date.
Intellectual - You seek out intelligence. Idle chit-chat is not what you are after. You prefer your date who can stimulate your mind.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Big-Hearted
2. Romantic
3. Liberal
4. Sensual
5. Intellectual
6. Athletic
7. Funny
8. Traditional
9. Wealthy/Ambitious
10. Shy

Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Liberal
2. Romantic
3. Intellectual
4. Big-Hearted
5. Sensual
6. Practical
7. Funny
8. Athletic
9. Traditional
10. Outgoing

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

wow, extreamly liberal. that kinda came from right feild *hides the soivot union flag in his room*
other wise, the others are really quiet obvous. heh, what iv gotten sick of a little bit though, is when these girls i know say "anyone would be luck to be in love with you" well, i dont. that must say something about either of us. ah well... and alyx, i agree, this song is just Wonderful. its so lovely, that i can slow dance to it when no ones around.

Memories from the bottom of a stack of papers.

2005-11-10T07:41:11Z

My room has always been a cluttered mess, filled with paper work, resumes, old homework assignments, and random assortments of junk. last night i decided to look through this stuff... just for old times. and i found something on the bottom of the pile... something i hadn't touched in a long while... it was all the papers and pictures from my trip to japan over the summer... heh.. sorry, its a little hard to write, because i'm going over all the pictures now and all the memories, heh. it feels my heart with so many mixed feelings really. these people.. there we my family for a whole month... a month of exploring, and laughing, and learning, and playing... i learned more about my self being around this person then with anyone else... and i miss them, you know... like best friend you miss when you move away, or like those friends from summer camp you love... and never hear from again, no matter how much you want to... what i regret the most really, is that i never got to say a decent goodbye really.... in LAX, we were all so exhausted, and tired, and rushed... that i got separated at the gate where i was to be left... and before i knew it, they were gone... everyone... and it makes me feel rotten. those people... those wonderful people deserved better... much better then that. god... i hate my self in away for letting that happen... and when i look at this picture it feels me with some much regret... thats why i'm in this mood tonight... i unearthed it.. and it all rushed back to me... man...

before we left for L.A., everyone was given a piece of paper with their name on it. the paper was passed to all of us, and we would write something good, or amazing about that person... and i still have that list.. the called me witty, and smart, and caring... the said i spoke my mind... and in there times of doubt, they could come to me... and i would help them through it... man.. when i read that list, i just smiled so much... i guess i was just completely flattered... i don't get complements from my peers that often... and it meant something to me... it meant that i wasn't a total screw up, that i was good, at least a little bit. and it wasn't ego, or self delusion, it was true.. those people... Alex, Aaron, Ben, Orel, Nash, Christy, Althea, Abigale, Thisbe... i well never forget you guys... youve been the best sort of people i have ever meet... im sorry i forgot until i found the memories at the bottom of the paper stack...

just walking alone at night, with the glory of heaven stretched above me, and i smiled a little bit

2005-11-04T04:10:12Z

Well, last Monday was Halloween, and I went with my friends, which was cool because I saw everyone. Mikki was totally hyper active as normal, and I forgot how crazy everyone was. It totally wore me out. In fact, I think I’m still recovering from the last one, because my entire body is sore, and I’ve had sleeping issues. *sigh* Mr. Sakow is gonna have my head. Mr. Sakow is the marching band director, and my boss. he’s a cool guy, but the thing is, that I haven’t shown up for "work" in the mornings, because of my sleep problems, so I don’t know what’s gonna happen.

In anime club, for those who don’t know, I’m the president of the club, and due to the way things were unorganized, I’ve been forced to become a bit of a military commander of sorts. I don’t want to say it gives me a power trip, but it feels good to have everyone organized and committed to there duties.

Last night, after band practice, and after Sean dropped me off, I took a nice bike ride, just for kicks. It’s been awhile since IV ridden around at night. I rode down to the beach and looked up at the stars, and as I rode down the bike path, I just smiled a little bit, pondering old notions of myself before. Like how much I would love to share all this with someone. Hahaha, yes, I know. iv sAid this about a million times on this thing. How "LONELY" I am, and how I angst against is all. I’m also aware how horribly cliché this all is, and that it’s my fault I’m alone. Well I can’t help that. Well, since I feel like it, I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a little long, but it’s something I want people to understand, and it’s something I have to say:

I almost had someone this year; I almost had a girl friend. And it felt so amazing for the time I thought I had one. I won’t say her name for her own safety, and those who do know her name, I ask you not to reveal it. I don’t want to hurt her in anyway by writing this now. When I was in Japan, we wrote each other all the time. Almost nightly. It was what got me up in the morning, was waking up, and finding an email in my inbox from her. And then reading it at breakfast before I headed off to language classes. God, I loved her, with all my heart... and she was in my mind constantly. I saw her a couple times before I left for Fargo, and I felt great every moment I was with her, and I thanked god for every single time I was with her, because it proved that I had hope... that life was worth living, and all that I believed in, was worth believing in. I’m a romantic, I believe in love... pure love, in which you are totally into that person, for lack of a better word right now. Anyway, she forgot how bad school was for her, and "broke up" with me. Break up isn’t exactly the best word for this, because we never really went out. It never really got to me till a few weeks ago. she said that what I believed in was naive, and that true love never really existed, and at first it really hurt... the one that I had loved, the one that had given me so much hope for my own salvation from my own damnation, and she said that I didn’t believe in the right thing, and that your ideas don’t make sense. I was shattered... and then I finally remembered that it didn’t always have to make sense... it’s a belief. It’s like religion. Its taking that leap of faith into something you never truly understood, and I fought against it. were still friends to this day, thanks to our mutual understanding at the end of that night ((actually, she had to go in the middle of the debate, and we just never returned to it, which is fine, because were ok friends now, and I still help her whenever she need helps)) and I say this whole story now because despite this, despite being challenged in my ideas, and my stricken of hope, I’m still ok!!!

I still ride alone at night, and I still am alone in my own head, but for right now, I guess it’s a little ok. I can’t rush things. Sure, I have no one in my life right now that would possibly go out with me in the future, but I guess that just means I haven’t found anyone that I can have a meaningful relationship with. But that night, as I walked along the beach, I saw all of the heavens above me, and I couldn’t help but smile as I walked. Because its that blind faith that tells me that there has to be someone out there that well give what I seek for in on my journeys. I just wish I knew where she is right now… well, that’s it, may peace be with you guys.

neo_otaku_tai @ 2005-10-27T21:37:00

2005-10-28T04:45:45Z

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	60%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Hedonism	\|\|	10%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|	16%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	57%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

HAHAHAHA!! I got scores in the highest ones i wanted! YOU PEOPLE SEE, IM A ROMANTIC!! im also highly sexual o_o... well, i cant dinie anymore, can i. it also says that im secure with my belongings, and that I put others before myself. it fits me very well. ^^ what do YOU THINK??!!!

My Liberations.

2005-10-16T04:20:29Z

HELLO EVERYONE!! as you can see, iv made a few changes to my little LJ here. Well, i suppose i should explain it, shouldn't I? i just saw something tonight that pretty much sums up my life pretty well and has inspired me to make a few changes to my Life and this LJ. its called Genshiken, a anime. its about a guy who's pretty much afraid to embrace his geekdom around people ((or admit that he likes Hentai around people)) and winds up in a club chalk full of the dorkiest people. Now, this may seem really stupid/geeky, which it is, but you see a very good message in it all, "LIVE LIFE THE WAY YOU WANT TO!" no matter what, you shouldn't be embarrassed, just go out and do it. live the life you want to, and don't regret it.

Which leads to that whole sexual liberation thing i was talking about last time. Last year, or before last summer, iv always been a "lustful" and pervy Person i am now, i just hid it under a layer of doubt and insecurity's. i kept spewing this "Honor" and "Purity" Bullshit. but, i would look at hentai when no one was around, and kept everything inside. pride really, as a person, i didn't want to lower my self to the level of those around me, but i finally realized on how much fun i was missing. At the Beginning of last summer, the wall i built around my self began to crumble. i started talking to friends about this, and i became more relaxed. and then i left for my long Month long romp in japan. and i was in heaven there. japan is 1000 times more liberal when it comes to sex then we are in the united states. and as a foreigner and a newly turned 17 year old, i could get away with buying hentai books as long as the clerk was male. ironically, i only bought to mags for Mikki-san ((why a girl would be more addicted to this stuff then i is more testament to the character of Mikki-san ^^;;)) in retrospect i should have bought allot more of that stuff. or at least copied it or something before i gave it to Mikki. ah well, one cant cry over spilled milk i suppose. by the time i left japan, i was very happy, although i could have spent another month there, no sweat. I bought way to much FFXI pure ((none hentai)) Doujinshiis'((fan made comic)). ah well, it cant be helped. when i return to japan in my twentys when I'm studding at the international schools there, ill make sure i buy my fill. anyway, when i returned to the States, i was allot more relaxed, and all my depressions disappeared.

i realized that liking that stuff is perfectly normal for guys, especially around my age. being open with it has made me better for it. when you repress something, it comes back in different ways, allot worse then what your repressing. you become a tight-wad that everyone is annoyed by, and every one looks down at you for it. pride is ok, but in order to become part of the group, you have to let go of that image you set for your self. now allot of you say "EW!!! YOUR A PERVERT!! AND NOT ONLY A PERVERT, BUT A PERVERT THAT LIKES SEEING NAKED CARTOON GIRLS!!" i say, so what? pretty much every normal high school boy out there watches and looks at some kind of piece of perverted materials. so what if i like art then i like normal porn. i hate normal stuff because its way to dirty and smutty. it may be "Normal" but i guess i prefer innocents in it i guess. in porn its like "Dirty sex" in allot of the lesser known hentais iv seen and like, its a sharing of emotions of love more then anything. its really just what allot of Japaneses directors take into there works. now allot of you well laugh at this, but i don't give a damn what you guys say. at the end of this summer, i promised my self something, i would be open with my self allot more then i used to be. no more of this bullshit, and live life the way i want to. now, by embracing this side of me doesn't mean iv given up looking for a girl friend, heavens now. in fact this part of me well tell me if a relationship is right. if there willing to accept the otaku person i am, and still loves me despite it, then i know i'm with someone special. i'm still that romantic person i always was, and true love still the core of my beliefs, and nothing well ever change that, this just mean tat it may be a tad harder to find someone, but if they don't like me for it, then thats there problem.

Well, good night ladies a gentleman, i hope this evening well find you all well. ill see you later. *Flashes the Peace sigh* later.

heh, well. as you can very well see, im alive everyone ^^

2005-09-29T03:05:37Z

yes, it is I, the exile of dreams, and wanderer of the fine line between insanity and life. its been a long time hasnt it everyone. allot of things have happened to me in all that time really. the first true romance in my life rose and fell. I have relized my dream of going to japan, and ive rediscovered how beautiful life could be. I can dance and sing, and actually mean it in my heart fully. I guess you can call it my personal Rennosance. a awakining to things deep inside of me. I can successed, im not a failure. I know i have said this so many times before, but this summer has done it for me truly. seeing what i saw this year iv been reborn. Sure i can get stressed every little while now adays, and im so busy i can rarely find time for my self, but thats ok. I had too much free time, and it kinda made me think too much because of it really. I still like to ponder things, but the things that really upsetted me in the past dont seem to phase me anymore... i guess its growing up and becoming more mature.

anyway, let me slow down and go into detail about things. first off, i finally got to go to japan. i can still remember how wonderful that first night was... looking out that window at our hotel and seeing the whole city stretched out before us. everyone... and everything... i mean just wow. heh, just remembering it ((and listening to BNL'S Auld Lang Syne)) brings tears to my eyes, and gives me such a warm feeling to my heart. the people in my group... all were the coolest people ever, i miss them allot now adays. I Saw things in japan that i could have only dreamed of. the arcane and anichant temples, to the grand mountains and forests, to the sparkling sea, and although this may sound shallow and stupid, anime was not just some absure referance... it was everywhere. it all ended too soon... it really did. im going back again one day. revist that place... because one month was not enough sadly. i hate to say it, but i really want to live there one day.

as for my romance. this starts to get into this whole thing of my sexual awakining this summer. its hard to explain it, so im not going to, but just know that its a factor of why im not totally depressed and stuff.

anyway im gonna countine you this later, but i well repost soon

The many sides of our dear friend Tai: The Five Me's

2005-04-22T07:21:39Z

Hello everyone, as you may as well now, I’ve been feeling down lately, as I normally am. Today, I’m going to share a theory about my sub Conscious to you guys. I have 5 different personalities with in my-self, and they often show their heads at different times, for odd reasons. Let’s take a look at each one shall we?

1. Crazy/Happy Tai: a person totally intertwined with the idea's of pleasure right now, and enjoys in being swept up in moment. Often loud and annoying, he is everything I hate about humanity. Impulsive and lazy, he is my worst self, and makes me wonder why I even try at life. He is also Harbors the perverted, and dirty thoughts, that find there way into my head. Thankfully, these thoughts are kept in check by the other four.

2. Student/Smart Tai: The Scholar, which tries his best in classes, and hates those who is the cause disruptions. He works his hardest, and is very smart. He has a vast Intelligence regarding history, science, and Culture. Along with a devolving skill in the Japanese language. He is kind of snobbish, and pompous, but this is because of a dignity that he has built for himself.

3. Romantic/Dreamer Tai: my favorite Persona by far, he is Smart, but not in a book worm kind of way. He is the guy, that speaks from his heart, and comforts others when they need it. An Utter gentleman, and romantic, with a deep Belief in the idea that love is the great Hope for mankind. Loves sunsets, and star light, and notices the great things of the world around him. A Grand lover of fine music and an Appreciation for love songs

4. Sad/Depressed Tai: A drama queen is the best way to describe him; he is an unhealthy run off of his Romantic counterpart. He is a product of abuse from the world around him, and dwells on the fact that he is generally unnoticed and unloved by his fellow man. He Keeps only in mind, the worst things about the other four, and obsesses over them, day and night. Often very whinny, and well beat the same point to death.

5. Future Tai: The one with the least information surrounding him, he is my future self, and the person I want to become. He is the part of my mind that links the other Four together, and hopefully, in the end, will unite them into a Half-decent person in the end. He is also what drives my passion for history, and the cultures of the world. Eventually, we well see if the actions I take today well turn this into a man of honor and grace, or a slob, do-nothing moron/baka/jerk.... Only time well tell...

These Five coexist, in a very unstable way. Each fighting with one another. They appear and fade at different times, and often causes many problems, as well as a few blessings. Their are events I cannot comprehend or see yet, they well come to pass, and these Tai’s may change, some may grow stronger, others weaker. I am unsure on how this well affect me, but I can only pray to what ever god that may exist in this Universe, that I am meet with great blessing, and freedom from the pains I am now Burdened with...

hey yall. long time no see, ne?

2005-04-21T03:37:59Z

Konbon wa ladies and gentelmen, what am i saying, just gentelman. iv been gone for a while, havnt I. i guess, just some crazy stuff's been going on. Just some random stuff, nothing worth talking about really. Im holding up pretty decently. im kinda in that fog again. a emotionless, empty fog, where i cant see whats ahead, behind, or around me. just those days again. Im Kinda dead right now. emotional, spirtually, and physically. I have a bad cold that kinda just crept up on me, and i cant move with out hurting myself. Heh, cant be helped i suppose... god.... Life is kinda sad at times, and love birds seem to have there problems at times.. Right now, im usless. to anyone, and everyone. I hate that feeling, or uslessness... All i want to do is help people, and pray that in the end, in some way, ill recive love from someone as a reward... Heh, what the hell am i thinking. its all rather childish, thinking such things. Im no knight, and this is no fairy tale. I dont know why i bother helping all these people in the first place... God, All i get are insults, and shurged off... IM ALWAYS FUSKING ALONE IN THE WORLD!!! ..... i just want... someone... to be close to....

Spring break........

2005-03-20T06:54:34Z

its the first day of a two week vacation, and all i did was sleeped in and played video games. now, to many of you, this might be the best day in your life, but after looking back on it, i didnt really like it. we waste our lives infront of things like that, and never think twice about it. id love to go out, and see the city, but none of the people i know that have the time are interested in such things. i guess, without school, i feel even more lonely, and it goes all the way back to the love life problem when you get right down to it. im sure you people are bored by my constant complained about women, so ill spare you the pain, but thats just the thing. "mankind is soical animal". i just wish, that it didnt affect us on such emotional levels. well, ill talk to all alter.

hahahah im so screwed, hahahahaha.

2005-03-05T06:27:53Z

I haven’t felt so good lately. I’ve had a horrible belly-ache, and I haven’t been able to concentrate on my school work lately. Sigh, I can’t imagine my self getting into to collage anytime soon with my work ethic. I really could use a study group, but all the people around me aren’t really into that. So let’s see, I’m sick as a dog, loveless and lonely, and feeling depressed about life in general all the while. I have to start thinking about collage too, with grades like this it’s going to be a miracle to get into a school at all. Life around me is crashing around my ears. I try to help those around me though, I clean kariya-sensei's after class on Tuesdays and Thursday now, because me and my friends "torment" her every launch, so it seems fair enough. I also feel like I’m slowly disappearing from the hearts of those around me, just fading away into nothingness. well, I hope that’s not the case, but it’s just a feeling I have. heh, I must be so depressed to be around, so I cant blame them if that’s happening, I’m so boring and stupid that I can understand why I don’t have a girl friend.

anyway, life goes on and I’m gonna have to try to bring things around, just a little bit. life always has these little turns in the river that can make all the difference. of course some are good, so are bad, I just hope that my karma brings me something good. heh, well ill see you guys later. Sayonara
“do you remember when, we used to sing..."

walking alone down a peacefull road to no where, under the skies so blue...

2005-02-28T03:49:24Z

Life always seems to have a way in tripping you, mocking you, kicking you over and over again, and then out of the blue, give you a small flower, whose beauty is un-matched. He he, IV felt like life was abusing me a bit lately, I’ve felt like no one knows I am here, and sit alone, ignored. I measure my self on what I mean to my fellow man, and if I am ignored and forgotten, then I have no worth. Its sad and stupid I know, but that is the way I truly feel, yet music has always seemed to calm me down, and replenish my sprit. A song from a film that everyone I know hates. A folk song with the charm of the wanderer’s nature. I know this sounds stupid, that’s a romantic for you, always looks at the magical aspect of things.

neo_otaku_tai @ 2005-02-14T21:18:00

2005-02-15T05:16:57Z

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you awy from this world
So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time
You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...
But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult

You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.
Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.
Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.
Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.

Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Happy Saint Valentines day.

2005-02-15T04:54:34Z

I have always found this to be a sad day. It reminds me allot about my past, and how lonely I am now. IV always thought of it as a day in which the lovers and happy couples of the world came together to mock me. Guess it proves how sad I am, and that I carry such spite for those who found love. If anything, I’m guilty of the sin of envy. Such kind and loving acts going on around me, such happiness, and love, and hope, and caring in the air. I want to be happy with them, god knows I want too, but it always seem that such emotions of this day just never seem to reach me. I haven’t received a real, heart felt valentine since I left primary school, and although it seems childish, I feel sad because of that. I believe, deep in heart, that the greatest thing is this world, is to love, and to be loved in return, I guess I just want to feel loved... Well, I hate to drag down the sprits of those who have found love among us, and so I wish you a happy Saint Valentines day.

"When I find my-self in times of trouble,
Mother comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
Let it be....
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front me,
Speaking words of wisdom,
Let it be...."

life is very weird, and amazing sometimes

2005-02-04T06:19:30Z

You know how life throws you a curve ball, and sometimes you close your eyes and swig with all your might, and then open your eyes to see the home run you hit. I guess that’s how I feel right now. Life has been going go for me lately, I can’t explain it. Maybe all, this is good luck, good omens, perhaps. Although I’m still plagued by the same bad luck IV always had, tripping, forgetting stuff on a normal basis, etc. I guess ill always be a tad clumsy about that. I was talking, and for a second I seemed like an adult, someone serious, yet kind hearted, and maybe, for a second, attractive to someone, only to trip over my own feet. I think the sprits were taking me down a notch. Lol.

Lol, things are getting better, and I’m thankful for that. I just hope that I continue one this trend, maybe ill get lucky for once. Who knows, good things eventually come to those who earn them. Someone said that the bad guys always win, and that good guys finish last. In some ways I guess there right. The good guys always finish last, because they let everyone in front of them. I don’t know if that’s me or not, but I hope I am. I hold in my heart this though, that one day there well be someone that I well be able to hold in arms, and watch the night sky with. That love well eventually comes my way. I don’t know if I can make anyone happy, but I guess everyone ask themselves that question at one time or another. As long as my friends are behind me, I think maybe one day, that nice guy well cross the finishing line...

"The guiding light, which time and again has given me the courage to face life cheerfully, is kindness, beauty, and truth." Albert Einstein.
Great words, that prove that mankind’s potential is so far greater then we can possibly grapes in our imaginations.

rainy day speical

2005-01-30T00:18:52Z

well, hi everyone. im in a really good mood today, i guess allot of things are going ok for me, and i like this feeling, although i dont get it very much. its the end of finals, i finished some classes with flying colors, and surived the classes i didnt do so well in. and now i get a weekend to do nothing but sleep in, and do nothing.

after exams yesterday, i went out with some of my friends from anime club. its was; mikki and her boyfriend. alex, and her boyfriend. drew, and russle. and lastly me. it was raining, but we went to beach and the peir, just to hangout and do nothing. just yelling, and screwing around, and having fun. we went to the carousel and went around, just like we did when we were little kids. i think that when your in highschool, you forget some of the simple joys you had as a kid, and its sorta sad that, that kind of innocents is lost when we reach our teenage years. after a ride on the carousel, there were a few of those old fortune teller machinces and the love tester. i tried out the both and got some sorta, weird results. with the fortune teller machine, i got this message that even though i dont have a love in my life, when i do have one, it well be the happest moment in my life. with the love tester, to my utter shock and amazment, i got the highest score on there "uncontrolable" i stood there, just starting at it in disbelief, lol. with all the bad omens that happened to me this week, i guess this is a sign of something better. i was then told by my friends, afer i said that it seems like my fortune and tester had to be god teasing me in a way, they told me that i but up with so much, and still smile about it, that im loyal, cheerful, and the most chivalris person they knew. i guess after hearing that, it made me really happy. i may not get allot of attention from these people, but i guess they do sorta know me... i guess, things wont be so bad...

"oh speed on, speed on my little dove
carry a message to the one i love.
tho a cruel fate has us two parted
i know that the future has in store
greater happiness for ever more." a verse from tai's fortune.

dreams do come true. they really do.

2005-01-24T01:29:07Z

i really cant belive it. its sorta like a dream, where its to good to be true. i got accepted, into a program that sends students to see the world. im going to japan for the summer. it all sorta happened so fast, its quiet amazing, that a person like me would even Apply for that, much less get accpted. the program is called "Experiment in International Living". they send american students to all cornors of the world, and japan happened to be one of them. i know its sorta a dorking little dream, but the fact that this happened, gives me just another thing to live for, and i hope that things will start to smile on me a little more from now on.

Finals are coming up, and all my friends are sorta stressed over it, and frankly so am i. although i feel really happy about my trip this summer, i still have to survive this year. japanese, history, P.E. and maybe english will be a snap, but math and chemistry are a differant story. the thing is, im not so good at math, and chemistry has allot of math elements with in it, so ill have to study hard for it. well, wish me luck, and ill talk to all real soon. sayounara yall.

A endless sky, and nothing to dream for.

2005-01-23T21:43:10Z

you know those days, were its all sunny out, and perfect, and beautiful, and you dont feel like doing anything, not even playing games, or going out to lunch, or even watching T.V. im sorta in the middle of such a day. today, all i can really do is sit and watch the clouds float by. all my friends are doing something today, so i cant hang out with anyone, and im really not in the mood for anything. its 2:00 now, and dads still sleeping. theres just no one to really hang out with today, sorta makes me feel like im being ignored and stuff. *sigh* i guess, theres really nothing to say...today....

"i feel like a cast away toy, a child puts in the back of the toy box, and is forgotten. its lonely back here..."

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!! ((may the magic of the season hold and keep you))

2004-12-24T17:56:25Z

well, as you all know, I'm in fargo right now, visiting family here. not one of my choice places to be, but whatever. hearing about these people close to me having relationships with others, is really bugging me a bit. guess I'm just a jerk like, i have despised people who are more mature then me, people who finally found someone to spend there life with... and i still hold a grudge for that. there just ain't anyone out there for me, and i think that i wont meet someone till I'm out of high school, not even one date... and people around me see me as this immature guy, thats a downer and a little kid at the same time. i don't think anyone see's me in the kind of light i want them to see me in. thats just the way things are i guess

i just want someone that understands me, that see's me in that light. I'm the romantic, the dreamer, the lover ... yet everyone see's me as the dork, the child, the pervert, the fanboy. i guess thats the light i'v shown on my self, and i doubt anyone well see me out side of the image.

its christmas now, the most magically time of year. the time in which a savor was born, and died for the salvation of mankind, if you believe in Christianity at least. i have often felt this magic though, and i do treasure this season for the time when people gather around to celebrate family, traditions, and love. sadly, i have no one to love, so i feel like some of that spirit is wasted on me...

well, i cant help it, so to all you people, have a happy christmas, and a happy new year... sayounara, folks...

"so sally can wait, She knows it too late
as Were walking on by
Her soul slides away, but don't look back in anger
i heard you say"

Welcome to the planet, Welcome to existence

2004-12-21T22:41:12Z

well, hey folks. i'm sure that some of you people hate my guts right now, and some other folks wonder what the hell i'm talking about. well, i guess the simplest way to say it, is that i betrayed people, people i hold in high regard, and i pissed them of royally, and i'm now i cant ever show my head around them, unless i want to die a most painful death. well, i guess its for the best. "the deepest sanctum of hell is reserved for betrayers and mutineers". never thought id see, but looks like ill get a first hand account now.

i'm in fargo now for the holidays. i think its best, get my sorry butt out of state before people get to pissed at me. its mighty cold up here, i think i lost my nose somewhere in a snow bank. its a chain of scenery at least. i'm still sorta depressed at my self, and i don't see much point in going on, i most likely deserve to be frozen in a snow bank somewhere. exile to the north, it seems.

what point is there, what point is there in existence, when you have been branded a loser, a idiot, a horrible person, a greedy person. who's gonna love me now. i don't know what do now, but that open sky calls to me now, just leave, abandon it all. but then, who would love me......

"that open sky calls to you, well you jump into the never ending stretch of infinity?*

i really should just chill

2004-12-09T03:47:41Z

ok, i sorta over reacted yesterday, i guess just being sick and stuff got to my head to much, plus i become all patritic and become a "drama-queen" when i listen to the "battle hymn of the republic". i really shouldnt listen to it, makes me into a jerk. anyway, id like to say im sorry to you guys for that. anyway im more mellow today, listening to so softer tunes to relax. i have no real news today, just trying to queston whether or not ill meet someone worth meeting. im really lonely, but i guess thats just the way it is. im just giving up for now, not worth killing myself over something thats not gonna happen anytime soon. i dont know anyone that im attracted too that would even come close to liking me, and its painfull to press old wounds *cough, cough* so im not gonna try anymore. life is too chaotic already, i dont need to pull someone else into my troubles. anyway, i got homework, ill see ya later folks. sayounara

"i want something, to get me through this semi-charmed life, im not listening when you say, goodbye"

what is too be done...

2004-12-07T22:52:33Z

i really don't know what too do with people anymore. they don't listen, they dont take direction, and when something has to be done, the assume some one else will do it. as they do that, im busting my butt trying to get things done, as the vice president is gone. well, i guess i cant blame her, we did sorta scare her away. geez... anime club doesn't work anymore. the promises of the administration have yet to be realized. im worried that the president is going through a hard time, and i cant do anything of any power, without her consent. i dont want to become the brutus to her cesar, but someone that is has the energy, patients, and time should take charge. someone that well come in everyday, and try to stay on task. i dont have all of these quality's, but i could try to keep everything rolling smoothly. im not a power hungry man, and i am not a trader, or a lier, i just want the club to do well. "i have always believed in democracy, and i well for all time. power to the people..."

anyway, i'm sick. i skipped school yesterday, and today because of that. i have to go on Wednesday cause thats a meeting and a test in a couple classes. hope i didn't miss much. anyway, i guess i should lie back, and relax for awhile, and try to get better i guess ill talk to everyone later...

"as he died to make men holy, LET US LIVE TO MAKE MEN FREE!!"
"his truth is marching on...."

just idiots.............

2004-11-21T03:29:41Z

hey guys, glad to talk to ya again. friday was just hell, i had to yell at everyone for not doing anything in anime club. we try to do something serious, and people dont give a damn about anything, and it just pisses me off. i spent 20 hours of comunity service last year, so that people would be able to actual have the club again, but when no one takes anything seroiously and do nothing to help, so i exploded at them. i had this whole speech on how i was dissapointed at everyone for not doing anything and went out with a huff with the words "Call me when you people start to give a damn" after that, I went down the hall and sat down, and just curled into a ball, and just sat there, feeling shame for what i did. when i look back at it, i just cant belive i broke my cool like that, and yelled at those people, but i know it had to be said.

i went out with a couple friends to forget what happened, so i went to the west side pavilion and bought the new "Azu manga diaoh" DVD to get my mind off things, and im glad i did. although lacking in the plot of love hina, or fan service, but the art is beautiful, and the story is still cool, even though it lacks in plot. well guys, ill talk to ya later. sayounara yall........

when i see, when i see, when i see, its like im staring at the sun....

2004-11-15T07:18:36Z

god damn rock alturnitive, and soft rock. all there themes are love and such, when it plays i refect on what kind of love life iv had... iv had a obession im just getting over, fan-girls that kick me over a picutre of a hot anime guy in a magazine i own, and some girl years ago that kissed me on the check along time ago, 2 weeks before i left that town to go to fargo where i had no soical contact for 3 years. *sigh* i seem like such a lost case, that i really dont know what to do about myself. so of those fan girls told me that if i get more buff, loss some of the acenie, and become "less anoyying" that i would be relativly "atractive" and could maybe get a girl friend.... girls only see me as a friend and a crazy one at that. sometimes i say things i dont mean to say, or say things at the wrong time, so i get shit for it. i know that i shouldnt worry about it too much, and that im too busy for a girl friend, but i cant seem to get over the fact that i see everyone all happy about being in love, and seem to rub it in. maybe im going insane, or something. i dont know anymore.

i love, love songs. i find them more up-lefting then the rap and stuff about killing each other and stuff, so thats why i listen to alturnitive rock and soft rock, which is there theme, but sometimes its a bad thing and you reflect on the wrong things, and fell depressed about the world........ well enough of the depressing rant, i should leave folks, sayonara yall.........^^;;

heres to the nights i felt a live, and the dawn that i gladly welcome

2004-11-10T08:17:49Z

hey guys, things have been going ok ever since i watched that DVD last week. leave it too some insperational to making a life style change. anyway, lifes been going good, i recived my grades, so there telling me too try harder, and do my best this year, so im doing all i can. i stopped sleeping in so late, and im getting to class on time now, so im proud to have acomplessed this. i havnt meet anyone since i got over my crush last summer, and im still a little lonley. it would be nice to have someone i love cheering me on to do my best, but then i snap back to reality and laugh to my self about how absurd that is and shurg it off.

im also glad to see that mikki-chan and sharna-san are friends again, so its all quiet again, or as quiet as it ever does with our group. i did awesome on my japanese test last week, and totally kicked ass on it (( 81.5 out of 85!!)) glad to see that im paying more attention in class, and that im doing better in a class i bombed on last year. my math, history, and english class are still in need of improvment, so ill get to work on that. histroy is because we do nothing but busy work, and it anoyys me to do it, english iv always been lazy in, so i have to do a 360 on that one. with math, its my worst subject, cause my brian does not run on logic that much. i should think about getting a tutor or something.

lastly, i would like to give a toast to the past that iv lived through for the past 16 and a half year. even though its been painfull as hell, its made me into who i am, and im glad that it has. i may be a bit whiney and a bit of a nerd, but i still have a good heart and im always eagger to prove myself. well folks, i need to head to bed, farewell, sayounara